My Favorite Christmas Things: Pie, Ohio, Muppets & Humiliation

Around this time last year I shared my most embarrassing Christmas story and have been looking forward to doing some festive writing again.  So here are some jolly things:

1. Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree. This Christmas classic will never sound the same once you discover how much it truly sounds like Brenda Lee says the F word…

Rocking around the Christmas Tree
Let the Christmas Spirit ring
Later we’ll have some fuckin’ pie
and we’ll do some caroling

Just listen about 28 seconds in to see how serious Brenda is about us having pie later:

2. I haven’t been back to Ohio in seven months- the longest stretch I’ve ever gone without a visit to my homeland. So many new babies to meet, growing kids, family and friends to hug I have chills thinking about the upcoming holidays. Literal chills. But they may also be from thinking about how cold it will feel after this 80 fuckin’ degree December in Fort Worth. That’ll give you the kind of chills that your bra can’t hide. You know what I’m talking about Brenda Lee.

3. The John Denver and the Muppets Christmas album is my jam. It brings me nostalgic tears and smiles every single year. Especially you, Miss Piggy. That line about five gooooold rings taught me so much about Christmas and life. Also it’s obvious that you hooked up with John D during the making of that record, but it was the late 70s and I think that was pretty normal then.

4. Finally, my Christmas gift to you, friends and readers, is my embarrassing 2012 Christmas story, which took place just three days ago:  Adam & I, being the idiots that we are, chose to go to the mall on a Saturday three weeks prior to Christmas. Continuing to be idiots, we made an impulse decision to get our photo taken on Santa’s lap as a goof. There was no line whatsoever, so it was obvious that this decision was genius and we strolled toward Santa’s bouncer elf. But Adam hesitated, embarrassed like most thirty-four-year-olds should be. So I grabbed his arm and assured him “It’s okay! We don’t know.. any…. one… except…there’s my former boss, who is now a friend… with her two little girls… and she’s laughing really hard at us.”  We all obviously laughed together at the situation and she kindly promised not to watch so we could proceed to visit with Santa. But in the end, I couldn’t recover from blushing and feeling ridiculous and instead rushed off to Forever 21… I guess this means I am finally growing up.