It’s 4:30 a.m. and I am grateful that I am not vomiting a coffee ground-like substance. Also I am feeling incredibly sympathetic to people who suffer from insomnia. I rarely have problems sleeping but last night I took six prescription steroid pills, which I assume is the reason that I’ve been wide awake since 3:00 a.m. Strangely, trouble sleeping was not listed as a side effect, but vomit that looks like coffee grounds was a potential one (call your doctor). Apparently I lucked out with the unknown and frustrating side effect of laying in bed with a racing mind. I am however glad that the ‘roids seemed to have subsided the tooth pain/ inflammation caused by a temporary crown. And clearly I will be blasting my delts at the gym later this morning since I have all this time and ‘roid raging going on.
So, why is it that in the middle of the peaceful night, when you’re doing everything possible to quiet your mind that your thoughts never fail to turn to every conflict and distressing situation you are currently in? I assume it’s because there’s no overdue appointments or aggravating coworker that you can actually deal with in that moment. The only action you can take is to think about your to-do list, what-should-I-do list, should-have-done list, and really wish I had-never-done list. And since there’s nothing you can do about those things from your bed, your mind is being a dick and insists on going over and over them.
I do have a few tips to help you, my unfortunate sleepless friends. Please be aware these do not apply when under the influence of steroids. Or cocaine.
-Relax. Just kidding, you’ve tried that.
- If you have a person sleeping next to you, try mimicking their breaths. Listen to them breathe and try to take their same deep breaths. My non-scientific reasoning is that they are sleeping so they are onto something. Copy it.
-If you don’t have a person next to you, get one. Because post-sex sleep is the best. And if you still can’t sleep and you continue to toss and turn, they might wake up and talk to you for a little bit.
-If you just can’t get comfortable, try sleeping on your side with a pillow between your legs. That is, if Steve has not already taken that spot. He tends to get between my legs most nights, in fact he often sleeps there the entire night.* I also like to sleep with a pillow over my head, but I don’t think that works for anyone else and it also makes it too easy for someone to kill you.
-Pray. I apologize, God, that this is used as a sleep solution and really should have been done before desperately trying to get sleepy. But thanking Him for the gifts in your life and saying prayers for your people (Lori, Brittany, the Nameths to name a few from 3:30ish), will no doubt take you away from Work, Troubles, and Fertility (WTFs) and hopefully into a strange dream.
-Read. Easy one. If it doesn’t make you sleepy, at least you weren’t wasting your time on a Sister Wives marathon on TLC. Unless you were reading Becoming Sister Wives: The Story of an Unconventional Marriage. In that case you are guilty of mindless bullshit reality entertainment. By the way is it me or does Kody kind of favor Meri the first wife?
-If it’s after 4:00 a.m., consider giving up on the sleep. Make some coffee, write your Christmas cards, fold the laundry, write a blog post and you will thank yourself later when your shit’s done and you sleep well tomorrow night.
*Steve is my chihuahua.